I'm trying to understand how this works.

I had a great day. Well, I thought so. It's not that something bad happened but something I saw and read... Now that destroys me. It may be some small things but it matter to me - A LOT. I'm just confused. Where/what/how did I do wrong? I mean is it so hard to say it to my face? With all this company, I still feel alone. Everything around me is mending yet I still feel broken. My life doesn't suck and I'm not complaining. I am grateful for what I have but just when I thought things are going well, there's always a reason for it to be messed up.

I wish my friends know how much I really appreciate them and how grateful and thankful I am to have them. Sometimes I wonder what am I to them? would it even matter if we're no longer friends? I never see them show how much I meant to them. I mean they always say it to each other but I was never in the picture. Now that's what bothers me and I can't put it into words. I know that if I we're to bring this out, I will make things worse and I'll be called dramatic-emotional-bitch-who-do-you-think-you-are...

I feel like a nomad. I don't really have someone who's actually there you know. I have this exam coming and it'll determine my future and I'm worrying about this. How ridiculous. I can't just put it aside. I care - probably too much. They said it's just me, thinking too much.

Tell me what to do,

show me some sort of sign,

Help me pull through,

this awful time.

I've been laughing and was care less,

but that was just something needed,

to cover up this sadness.

This unexplainable thing is colouring my life in monochromatic drabness.

Kick me hard if that's what makes you happy. Go ahead I'm actually letting you.

spit filthy words at me

burn me

push me down

hit me

suffocate me.

I wan't to see, how far can I go without tripping.

How far can I go while carrying this happiness in disguise.

Different location with the same space

I'm suppose to be strong,

I'm suppose leave this hole,

Yet in a solitary moment that's where I'm heading.

I have to talk to God,

but I'm afraid

although I know he's there,

I'm afraid.

I still need that shoulder,

that soothing hug,

I often felt a heavy feeling in this chest

like I need some rest.

I want to sleep and not wake up until this thing disappears,

but that would only mean running.

My conscience isn't blurred

but I'm acting as if it is.

When will I ever learn?

When will I ever gain the strength within to soar?

I'm so confused.

I need a slap. To wake me up.

I need to help myself.

The world is constantly spinning but this time, it's spinning fast

In between this cycle,

You grow to an age where you'll learn to wear and love this skin you're in

You grow to an age where hurtful words are just words from hurting people

You grow to an age where trying hard to fit in doesn't bring you anywhere

You grow to an age where who you are as an individual is the main thing

You grow to an age where happiness is the main thing and

You grow to an age where it's important to keep the main thing, the main thing.

After a hurricane comes a rainbow.

but have you ever thought how long does it takes for the hurricane to end? how long does it takes for the rainbow to appear?

Can I lean on you?

While you silently listen to what I have to say about what’s killing me inside… and then hug me and tell me that you’ll be there when I’m on the edge. Cause I keep slipping into this hole.

The crack that can't be mend.

I guess after all this and all that's to come, I have to just keep my head high and carry on. Keep dreaming my dreams and work really hard to reach it. Despite the circumstances. But I can't promise that I won't fall once again. I can't promise that I'm going to be strong all the way through. But what I know is that, I'm willing to go against the current.

Though my heart is torn

It feels like I'm just not meant to be happy. Why I say so? Because everytime I'm happy, everytime I have that relief feeling, that happiness, something just comes along and ruined it bringing me back to that hole. That dark hole I'm struggling to get out from. I wan't to be a carefree person, someone who just lives in the moment and that person who always has that smile pasted on her face. I'm progressing day by day and I noticed that. The fact that I don't take what people say too seriously and actually live in the moment. But somehow, if I only my wish would come ture that the inside feels the same way as the outside. I know, and I know it clearly that in order to get rid of this heavy feeling on my chest, the only person capable of doing so is me. I know it clearly that I shouldn't act so dramatic and to tell you the truth, I'm not at all dramatic. This is what and how I actually feel. If only there;s a machine to interpret this feeling in my chest. If only I have the words to explain what and how much it's hurting on the inside.

Most of the times it hurts so badly even tears can't bear to fall. I want a hug. I want someone I care a lot, a friend any close friend to come up to me and just hug me and tell me that it's okay and that I've been given challenges that I can handle. That I just have to trust myself. On the outside I surely feel stronger and newer but the inside doesn't seemed to cope. People say you have to talk to someone about this and as much as I want to, I don't want to be a burden. They have their own challenges to go through.

I am not complaining or wish that I could turn back time. The old me would wish all those but not me not now. I know that whatever happened int the past had carved a pathway to where I am now. I know that I was born to make a change. I'm not being a boastful person or anything. But have you ever just have that strong gut feeling that you were born for this? Not necessarily to make a change but just something. Well I do, and that feeling is really strong... and in order for me to pursue all that, I must have a strong foundation of myself and that's what I'm struggling with now. That black hole that never seemed to close and instead, it's getting bigger everytime I'm happy. As if forbidding me to be happy or is it me. Am I the one who's gullible to this hole and letting it expand. I gotta fix myself. but it would be really nice to have someone who actually listen and hear and not judge and tell e that I'm too sensitive and childish and that I'm seeking for attention. That would be so sick and dense.

I'm not an emotional person. But there's a lot of things that I can't say and I never had the chance to say so basically it's gonna be written here :)

SOME MATTERS ARE BETTER LEFT UNSAID.

Eventhough it’s eating you up inside. Eventhough as hard as you try to avoid it and as hard as you try to be optimistic, these things just seemed to penetrate so deep that at times all you longed for is a pair of ears to listen and hear and a shoulder for your head to lean on and let down those tears.

This is how I feel at the moment.

THERE’S SO MUCH IN THIS CHEST AND I THOUGHT AFTER WRITING EVERYTHING DOWN WOULD MAKE ME FEEL RELIEF. I STILL FEEL THE SAME.

I’ve been optimistic lately but it’s like a fruitless effort. Yet, I not giving up - not yet.

AS I GROW, THE URGE FOR ME TO TELL WHAT HAPPENED IS MULTIPLYING.

because it felt like it’s the only way to be free.

SOMETHING FOR MY DAD. HE WON’T SEE IT BUT IT’S OKAY.

Most of the time we don’t see things eye to eye,

If only it’s easy for me to say I love you, I would.

I have been trying for years.

Now that you’re far away,

This house never sound so quiet,

Here’s what I’m trying to say,

Happy Father’s Day :)

I wrote this on Father's Day. Never showed him this.

I will write about things I feel and things I never get the chance to actually say.

One door closes another door opens

Hello, I was bored so I played with the webcam :D I'm suppose to study but it was too hot and I know that whatever I read, I wouldn't understand. So today, I went for moot meeting at KFC Bandaran. I know right? Unusual place to have a meeting. Oh well, I was in a crisis whether or not I should go to CP or Suria then in the end decided not to cause I'd be alone and it's scary to roam alone :/ I'm so happy cause my dad gave me his laptop since he'll be moving to KL in what? another 4 days? I'm not a daddy's girl. You know, most of the time it's like I don't have any father. We're like strangers living under the same roof. So having him give me his laptop was a total shock but I'm thankful.

Know what? I feel like I'm not ready for SPM yet and the thought of it scares me. I need the drive to study and to really focus. Hmmm... I've been bottling up a lot lately.... I learned from my lesson... It's a long story to begin with but I can tell you that what happened made me realise that even the ones that are close to you don't really give a thing 'bout your problems and what you're struggling with. Everything is still bottled up inside.... I need a bigger bottle 'cause I know there's more to come. I hate faking happiness it kills me inside. I have a lot of things left unsaid. I wish there's a solitary place that I could be at to just scream my lungs out and cry until it's hard for me to breathe.

Have you ever felt so inspired?

and the next thing you know,

it's as if you never had any.

Have you ever felt so happy?

and the next thing you know,

you're weeping silently.

Have you ever felt the easiness of breathing?

and the next thing you know,

there's that feeling in your chest that makes you breath so heavy and hard.

Have you ever felt that you love life?

and the next thing you know,

you wish you we're never alive.

Have you ever loved yourself?

and the next thing you know,

the person you hate the most is yourself?

Have you ever felt that you we're born destined for greatness?

and the next thing you know,

your life is useless and yet you're living everyday.

Have you ever felt mixtures of feelings?

and the next thing you know,

you're as numb as a stone.

And the list goes on.

Because I felt all of this

Because even if I'm already 17, I'm still searching.

I don't know when will this all end,

When will I be happy

When will I achieve distinction

All that I can't tell but what I know is,

Never ending effort is needed and to live in the moment is important

and to appreciate everyone and everything around you is important

Though it may not be easy,

at least try.

Better regret trying than not trying.

New Leaf

It seems like I've abandoned this blog for quite sometime. So let me start with hello :) It's already 06th of April 2011 and a lot has happened. It would take me sometime to list down everything so let me keep that aside. Anyway, things are going on fine I guess, just fine. I'm sitting for SPM this year and strangely, I don't feel any butterflies or have sweaty palms. Well probably not now but soon. I should get my study gear on - like seriously.

I start to think optimistically - because usually I'm kin of a pessimist and surely people around me are tired of that and it's for my own good anyway. It's so... how am I suppose to put this. Nevermind, I'll just say it's so funny how emotions effect the way you think and see things. I want a distraction - I know I shouldn't since I'm sitting for a MASSIVE exam this year but... nevermind. So I don't know why I'm actually updating XD I doubt anyone even reads this. Hope not. It's okay though. When I'm a little bit older, I'll come back to this site and be like " OMG this was me? I wrote this? Seriously? "

OHOHOH! I suddenly feel like sharing :) Let me introduce you to MR. I. He's the same age as I am, we used to be classmates back in primary school and we were close back then. Long story short, I had a crush on him and unfortunately, I still do. It's so weird you know, we came from completely different worlds. I'm not expecting to date him because I know who I am and who he is and by the look of that, it's an impossible thing.

I SHOULD REALLY FOCUS IN MY STUDIES! I need to find a motivation that would actually drive me higher and forward instead of downwards and backwards! I'll end here for the moment. See you when I see you! :)