Though my heart is torn

It feels like I'm just not meant to be happy. Why I say so? Because everytime I'm happy, everytime I have that relief feeling, that happiness, something just comes along and ruined it bringing me back to that hole. That dark hole I'm struggling to get out from. I wan't to be a carefree person, someone who just lives in the moment and that person who always has that smile pasted on her face. I'm progressing day by day and I noticed that. The fact that I don't take what people say too seriously and actually live in the moment. But somehow, if I only my wish would come ture that the inside feels the same way as the outside. I know, and I know it clearly that in order to get rid of this heavy feeling on my chest, the only person capable of doing so is me. I know it clearly that I shouldn't act so dramatic and to tell you the truth, I'm not at all dramatic. This is what and how I actually feel. If only there;s a machine to interpret this feeling in my chest. If only I have the words to explain what and how much it's hurting on the inside.

Most of the times it hurts so badly even tears can't bear to fall. I want a hug. I want someone I care a lot, a friend any close friend to come up to me and just hug me and tell me that it's okay and that I've been given challenges that I can handle. That I just have to trust myself. On the outside I surely feel stronger and newer but the inside doesn't seemed to cope. People say you have to talk to someone about this and as much as I want to, I don't want to be a burden. They have their own challenges to go through.

I am not complaining or wish that I could turn back time. The old me would wish all those but not me not now. I know that whatever happened int the past had carved a pathway to where I am now. I know that I was born to make a change. I'm not being a boastful person or anything. But have you ever just have that strong gut feeling that you were born for this? Not necessarily to make a change but just something. Well I do, and that feeling is really strong... and in order for me to pursue all that, I must have a strong foundation of myself and that's what I'm struggling with now. That black hole that never seemed to close and instead, it's getting bigger everytime I'm happy. As if forbidding me to be happy or is it me. Am I the one who's gullible to this hole and letting it expand. I gotta fix myself. but it would be really nice to have someone who actually listen and hear and not judge and tell e that I'm too sensitive and childish and that I'm seeking for attention. That would be so sick and dense.