AS I GROW, THE URGE FOR ME TO TELL WHAT HAPPENED IS MULTIPLYING.

because it felt like it’s the only way to be free.

SOMETHING FOR MY DAD. HE WON’T SEE IT BUT IT’S OKAY.

Most of the time we don’t see things eye to eye,

If only it’s easy for me to say I love you, I would.

I have been trying for years.

Now that you’re far away,

This house never sound so quiet,

Here’s what I’m trying to say,

Happy Father’s Day :)

I wrote this on Father's Day. Never showed him this.

I will write about things I feel and things I never get the chance to actually say.

One door closes another door opens

Hello, I was bored so I played with the webcam :D I'm suppose to study but it was too hot and I know that whatever I read, I wouldn't understand. So today, I went for moot meeting at KFC Bandaran. I know right? Unusual place to have a meeting. Oh well, I was in a crisis whether or not I should go to CP or Suria then in the end decided not to cause I'd be alone and it's scary to roam alone :/ I'm so happy cause my dad gave me his laptop since he'll be moving to KL in what? another 4 days? I'm not a daddy's girl. You know, most of the time it's like I don't have any father. We're like strangers living under the same roof. So having him give me his laptop was a total shock but I'm thankful.

Know what? I feel like I'm not ready for SPM yet and the thought of it scares me. I need the drive to study and to really focus. Hmmm... I've been bottling up a lot lately.... I learned from my lesson... It's a long story to begin with but I can tell you that what happened made me realise that even the ones that are close to you don't really give a thing 'bout your problems and what you're struggling with. Everything is still bottled up inside.... I need a bigger bottle 'cause I know there's more to come. I hate faking happiness it kills me inside. I have a lot of things left unsaid. I wish there's a solitary place that I could be at to just scream my lungs out and cry until it's hard for me to breathe.

Have you ever felt so inspired?

and the next thing you know,

it's as if you never had any.

Have you ever felt so happy?

and the next thing you know,

you're weeping silently.

Have you ever felt the easiness of breathing?

and the next thing you know,

there's that feeling in your chest that makes you breath so heavy and hard.

Have you ever felt that you love life?

and the next thing you know,

you wish you we're never alive.

Have you ever loved yourself?

and the next thing you know,

the person you hate the most is yourself?

Have you ever felt that you we're born destined for greatness?

and the next thing you know,

your life is useless and yet you're living everyday.

Have you ever felt mixtures of feelings?

and the next thing you know,

you're as numb as a stone.

And the list goes on.

Because I felt all of this

Because even if I'm already 17, I'm still searching.

I don't know when will this all end,

When will I be happy

When will I achieve distinction

All that I can't tell but what I know is,

Never ending effort is needed and to live in the moment is important

and to appreciate everyone and everything around you is important

Though it may not be easy,

at least try.

Better regret trying than not trying.

New Leaf

It seems like I've abandoned this blog for quite sometime. So let me start with hello :) It's already 06th of April 2011 and a lot has happened. It would take me sometime to list down everything so let me keep that aside. Anyway, things are going on fine I guess, just fine. I'm sitting for SPM this year and strangely, I don't feel any butterflies or have sweaty palms. Well probably not now but soon. I should get my study gear on - like seriously.

I start to think optimistically - because usually I'm kin of a pessimist and surely people around me are tired of that and it's for my own good anyway. It's so... how am I suppose to put this. Nevermind, I'll just say it's so funny how emotions effect the way you think and see things. I want a distraction - I know I shouldn't since I'm sitting for a MASSIVE exam this year but... nevermind. So I don't know why I'm actually updating XD I doubt anyone even reads this. Hope not. It's okay though. When I'm a little bit older, I'll come back to this site and be like " OMG this was me? I wrote this? Seriously? "

OHOHOH! I suddenly feel like sharing :) Let me introduce you to MR. I. He's the same age as I am, we used to be classmates back in primary school and we were close back then. Long story short, I had a crush on him and unfortunately, I still do. It's so weird you know, we came from completely different worlds. I'm not expecting to date him because I know who I am and who he is and by the look of that, it's an impossible thing.

I SHOULD REALLY FOCUS IN MY STUDIES! I need to find a motivation that would actually drive me higher and forward instead of downwards and backwards! I'll end here for the moment. See you when I see you! :)

It never reach the bottom

Today's a Saturday and the forth day of my year end holidays. I haven't done anything exciting yet and it feels like I'm wasting bits of my holidays. Well, except on Friday, after my mom and I went to my school for report card day, I went out with bffs Amalina and Iffa then Izzat tagged along with his cousin. We watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. Awesome movie actually :D

It's funny how I'm only 16 and it feels like I have tons of problem and issues with life and mostly everthing around me. Things at home are okay well, not amazing though. My dad isn't the greatest and most wanted person to be around with you know, well at least he used to but things changed. So, when the time comes when feel like locking myself up in the room and mind my own bussiness things like Taylor Swift's album will be on play and guitar strings will be strummed and off pithcehd voice will be heard. I write non-sense lyrics.. hahaha.. Something that probably no one will ever hear. Well, recently, when I was angry with my dad and the world so I started writing in this book I bought from Doulos ages ago ( 2007 ), slowly, I felt good again I felt relief like everything that's bugging my chest is out. It isn't the same like talking to a person but at least I was partially relief. So my point here is, I've written about one stanza ( if that's what you called it ) and it actually meant something - at least for me. When I'm ready, I'll post em' here aights? :D

I'm wanted now, got some chores to finish. Well, goodbye.

29th October 2010 ; 1813

Hello there again. Just like before, it has been awhile since I've posted anything. I was actually planning to make the next post on the 1st of November but..... I did it today. Well nevermind, I can always make another post on that day :)

It's soon to be the end of October already. November is coming and I'm excited! Birthday! Holidays! Relaxation! Well, I'll have total fun if I live in the moment and not think what I am actually about to face next year. SPM ! One of the biggest exam of my life!
Life lately had been really tough... having to deal with all this thoughts that kept appearing, things at home and out there... Sometimes, I feel like giving up for a moment I wished my life would end right there but when things seems to go on in a better way, I thought otherwise. Remember when I talked about my friends? Well, I don't know what's wrong with me to kept thinking that they hate me and all.. I guess I'm just effing paranoid. I hate feeling down I hate feeling like me being brought in to this world is a mistake and misery is what I have to pay. I should be optimistic <-- wow I'm using that word. Being a teen is really tough a lot of shannanigans to put up with like social life, peers, studies, family, LIFE.. It's really hard and you might drown in this pool of shannanigans ( I sound like someone older ) anyway, it's just what I thought you know. The thing I love the most is to be able to remember and cherish those memories I have during my youth because you certainly can't turn back time and at one point you'll forget how being a teen feels like. I will try to be a better person and not sulk myself in to self-pity not again. I have to actually live because I might die soon - I'd always had this thought that I WILL die early.. and I still thought of it.

Sometimes I act up and screw a perfectly good friendship. I hate doing this and I can't help myself sometimes and I know here it's my fault and no, I'm not blaming anyone.

Dear friends,
I am sorry if the way I act had affected your perspective towards me and I'm sorry for being icky sometimes. I am sorry for spilling my problems to you. I just can't help myself and friends are my alternative way of letting my feelings and thoughts out. When I accidently say things that's offensive, I am sorry. It was just my mouth being silly.